Well. The one good thing about having a driveway that's so craggy that driving on it is like being in a commercial for Chevy trucks is that the Chinese army won't be able to ride their Segways down it when they invade.

Jesus. We're all doomed.

Here's a thought.

The new series of Doctor Who brought back the Master, the Doctor's ages old foe (and sometime friend). In the Master's episodes, the following corollary is established.

The Master is bad. Because he is bad, he fucks girls.

The Doctor is good. Because he is good, he takes girls around the universe, but he would never ever think of them as sexual beings, no matter how much they might want him to.

Girls, remember this. Only bad men want to give it to you. Good men want to chastely hold your hand and introduce you to Shakespeare.

Angelina Jolie is very pretty and her tattoos were neat.
James McAvoy is handsome in that squishy-faced Scotsman sort of way.
He's also a proper action star, I think.
Morgan Freeman makes shitty dialog sound like Tom Stoppard wrote it.
Timur Bekmambetov can make a fucking action movie. I want to see his Russian vampire movies.

That said, it's a slick, soulless piece of garbage, with a plot so obvious and filled with stereotypes and situations so offensive as to make it crystal clear that it was the brainchild of Mark Millar. I hated it and I want to pretend that it doesn't exist. I actually paid to see Wall-E, but changed my mind when I discovered that the theater stank, was filled with children (on Tuesday night, WTF?) and everything was fucking sticky. So. Yay?

The most interesting thing about it was the Burn After Reading trailer. For about ten seconds, I totally thought Brad Pitt was Jason Priestley. I really, really did.

THE FUCKING STAR TREK EXPERIENCE IS CLOSING.

It is closing Labor Day weekend, which is TWO WEEKS before I'm going to be there. I am so angry. SO ANGRY. There were four things I wanted to do in Vegas.

One. Lay by a pool and have drinks and read.
Two. Go to the Star Trek Experience.
Three. Have drinks at the Ferengi Bar. At the Star Trek Experience.
Four. Buy at Star Fleet Academy sweatshirt. AT THE GODDAMN STAR TREK EXPERIENCE.

So, now I have ONE thing to do in Vegas. I'm vehemently anti-gambling, so no to that. I hate Cirque du Soleil. I hate clubs. SO WHAT DO I DO!? Nothing? Drink? I don't know.

Star Trek. I wanted Star Trek.

Boo.

Hart, John. Down River. 2007.
Procured from KPL
Begun 6.25.08
Finished 6.26.08

Pulp noir whodunit. Entertaining and a fast read. Won a lot of prizes and critical praise. I’m not sure it’s as good as it’s been made out to be. Author has been touted as the next Raymond Chandler. Hart’s plotting is better than Chandler's, but his prose is not as good. Female characters were all awful, hollow stereotypes. And there are some editorial issues in the hardcover first edition. Surprising number of errors in punctuation, grammar and word usage. Still, it was a decent summer read.

Only took about five hours to read, and I’m not a particularly fast reader. Recommended for rainy a Sunday at home, but not for a long trip.

Does anyone have a good lentil soup recipe? That, you know, you've made before, and it was tasty?

I'm on the verge of just making one up. My friend, Snakebite, made some last weekend that was so fucking delicious that I've been craving it ever since. I will hopefully get his recipe at some point (which, I believe, is along the lines of "uhhh...some lentils...and carrots...and ummm a chopped up jalapeno...), but until then, I must forage for myself.

HAHAHAHA I CAN USE MY JTIMMY SOUP DANCE ICON FOR THIS YAY!

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog


Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.

You guys, there is video footage from Saturday night of my sister trying to give me a piggyback ride. I have six inches and forty pounds on her. It is awesome.

Tired. No sleep. Brain too broken to do anything useful. Back tomorrow.

OH MY GOD I LOVE MY SHOW

Someone talk about this list with me, because I think it's going to give me an aneurysm. It's Entertainment Weekly, so. I don't know. I guess that makes it representative of the popular reader, but god. That makes me sad.

Sometimes I read through my Flist, and I really wish I could be BFF with all of you. Srsly. Y'all are awesome.

I am feeling schmaltzy. I just watched my baby sister graduate. And OMG. I wanted to cry.

This weekend is No Pants Weekend, btw. Take your pants off and represent.

I have to get some work done.

That is all.

I have shifted from low-key, semi-depressed Kristin to full-on, loudmouthed, most-obnoxious-person-on-the-planet Kristin.

Yeah, El Jay. It's on. It is so fucking on.

I've been having terrible joint problems, lately. Worse than usual. So, I've been in physical therapy for seven weeks, and it's getting worse rather than better. So, I have to go back to the rheumatologist again. And it's just this circular holding pattern of appointments with medical professionals. All the while, I'm in pain and on muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories and pain killers for whenever it's supermegapain. And then I start feeling really sad, because I feel like I can't do anything that I want to do. And then I think, fuck it. I'm just going to live the life I want to live and try to zen master my way through it all. Put it out of my head instead of constantly focusing on what hurts and what doesn't and what appointment I have to go to and the things I can't do.

So. There. I've made myself happy again, by the force of my own will. I'm the motherfucking Secret. I should make my own self-help video. Except, MY video would bring the ROCK. Instead of tinkley new age music, there would be punk. And it would be directed by Liam Lynch and John Lydon would host it. He's stare directly at the camera and berate you (the viewer) for being a cunt not enjoying your life at it's fullest potential.

Smash hit, I tell you.

In other news, my baby sister's middle school graduation achievement ceremony is today. She grows and she grows and she grows and she's all growed up!

NEW OFFSPRING ALBUM!!1! \O/

I'll take "My Favorite Punk Bands from the '90s" for a thousand, Alex.

In other news, Ultimate Jubilee! Now with dialog! Kind of FTW. I guess. And is anyone reading Wolverine: Origins? I'm so tempted to get it for the Deadpool, but Daniel Way is always wasting my fave characters flava.

Wow. It's thundering so hard that my house is shaking.

Oh, the joys of living on a mountain.

ETA: Also, sudden throbbing sinus headache. Thanks, weather.

Blah blah blah in case you don't know who I am blah.

1. First Name: Kristin. Duh.

2. Age: 28

3. Location: New Hampshire, USA. I am very New England. Both sides of my family have been here since about 1630. And yes. New England really is as weird as you think it is. Bizarre people live here. Bizarre things happen here. Just tonight, I stopped at a convenience store, and a sedan pulled in a couple of spaces away from me. Not that weird. Except, on the side of the sedan was a sign that read:

Original Novel
$5
Inquire Within

WITHIN THE SEDAN.

I don't even know, you guys. I only had three bucks in cash, so I couldn't buy it.

4. Occupation: On my taxes I am listed as an "Ennui Consultant". I work in my family's restaurant. I also write a really, really lot.

5. Partner: diablo_robotico, though don't bother looking. He never updates. His name is Matt, though I usually refer to him as Stuart, which is a very long story. We met when we were twelve. That's how long a story it is.

6. Kids: I honestly cannot stand children. They are sticky and messy and they smell gross. And every time I am forced to hold someone's baby, it pukes on me.

7. Brothers/Sisters: One of each. My brother is 17. His name is Addi. He communicates solely with surly grunts. My sister is 14 and is mostly awesome. Her name is Jules, and I spend a large chunk of my time with her.

8. Pets: Precious Roy, hound of stinkiness. Miss Bunny, cat of crankiness. Roy was an abuse/neglect rescue. Bunny was a feral stray. They're both really weird.

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
a. I am writing a book that I think I'm actually going to finish this year. I am convinced that it's going to suck. That is why it is called the Book of Suck. It's a dark urban fantasy, and I've been working on it for a very, very long time. Look for it at your local bookseller pretty much never.
b. I have some major joint problems, for which I take a variety of medications and am in physical therapy.
c. Um. I have a pink laptop. The end.

10. Where and for what did you go to school for?: I studied playwriting at Goodman Theatre (now The Theatre School at DePaul University *massive eye-rolling*) in Chicago. Theater conservatories are a waste of time. The more prestigious the conservatory, the bigger waste of time. Srsly. Do not bother. I also studied English Litrachaaaaa at Local State School. This? Also a waste of time. I have no degrees and no respect for higher education.

11. Parents: My parents own a restaurant. They are Restaurant People. If you've worked in a restaurant, you know what that means. My mother is from a solid blue collar, Irish Catholic family. My dad has three college degrees and has never worked a white collar job in his life. They have a general disdain of anyone who doesn't work a job you can put your back into.

12. Who are some of your closest friends?: churumbelita has been my best friend since high school. She lives in the apartment in my basement. Her name is Nern, because that is the sound that happens when you say ERINERINERINERINERINERIN over and over, really fast. (I am an obnoxious friend.) Also, Lauren, Chaz, Neil and Joel. I went to high school with all of my friends. Except Neil, who went to high school one town over from the one the rest of us went to. We're professional townies.

WHO HAS READ SOON I WILL BE INVINCIBLE!? I AM TEN PAGES INTO IT AND IT IS THE BEST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ.

EVAR.

Lethem, Jonathan. Girl in Landscape. 1999.
Procured from KPL
Begun 6.10.08
Finished 6.12.08

Sci-fi western. Pretty, stark prose, though occasionally unclear. Lots of Very Important Themes. Coming-of-age story. Exploration of abandonment issues, race relations and sexuality. The science fiction is standard stuff, but I’m a sucker for space westerns. Themes of violence and how violence equates to sex? Pella is afraid of Efram, but is attracted to him, too? Also, largely about survivor’s guilt. Imposition of one’s societal values on a foreign culture.

Enjoyed. Would recommend.

Windows Vista can fucking suck it.

Lake, Jay. Mainspring. 2007.
Procured from KPL
Begun 06/04/08
Finished 06/09/08

Steampunk. Clunky, obvious quest story – in the first few pages, the hero is told both that he must go on a quest and what he must seek – taking him to an obvious conclusion. Very preachy. Lots of eye-rolly moments of heavy-duty save-the-world environmentalist hippy crap. Still, there were some totally wild ideas that kept me reading. Almost every page had something outrageous, unexpected and really cool. Jay Lake has quite an imagination. Worth the read for the inventive world-building. Not so much for the plot.